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Friday, October 19th, 2007
1:19 am
The years pass by hella fast. The 18th came and went super memorably :)

So thankful.

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Monday, June 11th, 2007
1:42 am
These days more than ever, I tire of being the supporter. I wish to be supported as well. To express and reveal what's been weighing on my heart and mind --> but I think that often I do not share because I just know that other people's words may not be what I necessarily need or want to hear at that moment. Sometimes I sort of want to just talk to ... I'm not sure, a different version of myself. Because, well this is at least what I believe --> when I am talking or supporting someone else, I try to be: understanding but not judgmental, encouraging but not demeaning, realistic but not harsh, practical but not without ideal, and I always will try to have the conversation tends toward the positive end overall especially if the situation is highly negative. Also, I don't go crazy offering advice, I ask people questions first to gage where they're at.

Sometimes I'm just not asking for advice, I'm asking for an open ear to hear and simply encourage since I tend toward the positive in almost everything. I wish that I could open up to that kind of perspective more when I am sharing --> I simply am never looking for judgment. It's just hard sometimes to be strong, to to have to be strong for other people, when I would like that comfort and support as well. None of us are invincible, and I will have my less than joyful days like we all do. I know He is there for me to turn to, but I wish there were solid folks around for that too.

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Sunday, May 6th, 2007
11:59 pm
Man, I don't post many entries up on here anymore, but this FCS concert video from this past saturday just needs to be shared. I feel the soul. And I miss singing as part of a group. I miss it SO bad.

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Friday, January 12th, 2007
12:31 am
Music just kills me with how much you connect to it. I've never realized how important it was to me until this specific moment in time, in life, and all else in between. I'm on the brink, and it is exciting. Who knows what may happen from here on out. The revelation's been had, now it's time to think about what I should do about it...

These days I feel like life is a spontaneous whirlwind. Anything can happen, at any time. You feel me?

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Sunday, September 17th, 2006
11:46 pm
hello LJ!

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Saturday, August 12th, 2006
12:29 am
Here's a poem that I really resonate with. In this time of transition and goodbyes, meeting new people, and just gradually learning more about yourself, I find it applies.


After A While
by Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...


These days, in the midst of meeting so many new people, I still hold on to the old familiarity and I do wish for that again in the future.

current mood: thoughtful

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Wednesday, July 5th, 2006
12:24 pm
I realize I very nearly forgot about livejournal. I've been so lazy these past few weeks..dunno what's come over me. Events have transpired though, like the fantabulous shanghai trip, my friend joellen's wedding, not to mention some good times with my hs friends..which may have been TOO good the other night.

and yes, I am still in so cal! crazee. I wanted to spend more time with my mom, and yes, i have been =). my mom also wanted me to take grad pictures so i did that too.

I've also been watching a hell of a lot of movies.. ones that i bought in shanghai. i bought like 70 of them. I like to watch them starting SUPER late at night and as a result my sleeping schedule is wacked. I guess i just like it in the quiet of the late night. a lot of different movies. i watched this hilarious korean comedy.. i died. and then i was watching some pretty crappy movies that i just felt like seeing. casanova is SO . bad. could heath ledger have acted in this crap at around the same time he was filming brokeback? How.. odd.

in other news, my nails are super long. feels sorta weird...i was hoping to get a manicure soon!

also, i think upon graduation, I have tended to fall into this sort of spiritual rut. i'm really hoping and praying that God will take me out of it. it's just sort of.. disconcerting. I hope to find that passion and joy in my heart for Him again, I feel rather crappy without it, like a huge part of me is not at its best, or something.

i wonder if also this feeling is part of the fact that some of my best friends over the years are moving away, and that makes me sad. when will i see them again? i will come to miss the relationships that involve just meeting up and catching up on our lives, or just living our lives day by day with each other. things are inevitably changing. and here in so cal, it feels slower than ever.. sigh! maybe i always did think time passed faster when i was in the bay area.

miss yall.

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Thursday, April 13th, 2006
3:17 am
Life, an ever whirlwind of ups and downs.

Moments gone, past, over. Thoughts illuminated in the midst of confusion and clarity combined. Emotions spread over vast amounts of memories, of feelings, of joy and sadness, pain and pleasure. What does God want? What does He have planned?

One thing after another, experience after experience, memories and thoughts, feelings and emotions piling up on top of each other. Like the angel in Benjamin's poem. The angel would like to make whole what has been smashed, destroyed but a storm is blowing from Paradise and is catching the angel up in the winds. Wings caught, the angel is irrestibly propelled towards the future while the pile of debris that has been smashed over and over again piles high and skyward. They call this storm progress. I call it life and the speed, audacity of it to just rush by.

What does He have planned? I can only guess and muse and hope and ponder away the night.

These days there's a listlessness, lethargy in my step and tone that I'm guessing only comes with the effect that it is truly time to move on to the next phase of life. A lot has changed since years past. Boggles the mind. I don't realize it until these days. So many things are just happening these days. They just happen and whisk on by. I am here standing still in the middle of it all, and yet maybe inside I wish for so much more than just this. Thank God for God.

current mood: pensive

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Monday, April 10th, 2006
7:57 pm
I'm always amazed at the little things of God's grace that I don't deserve. I've got to make this last semester..these next few weeks..count.

On another note who wants to take a look at my car? It's having some issues lately.

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1:46 am
man, these days are REALLY stressful.

countdown to graduation, man.

this weekend was an FCS-filled weekend.

I sorta want to go shopping, or go see a show, concert, chill out listening to music, or something. I'd like to sit at a cafe, or go get a boba, and listen to someone talk for bit. Just want to listen.


"I just want you to be happy."

current mood: busy

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Friday, April 7th, 2006
3:22 pm
I miss spring break.

NY + DC = memorable last spring break of college.

Looking forward to walking with close buds on May 14th. Bought my cap and gown the other day and the realistic rush of graduation hit me while I was walking down the hill from Evans after talking to my advisor. MAN! It's happening.

Have had to make some hard decisions this past week. I hate making decisions! All I want to do these days is eat, sleep, and spend time with those closest to me, and especially those that I know I won't be seeing as much anymore. No matter what, things will change whether we all like it or not.. I just want to hold on as long as possible I guess. Though I will still remain close with the people I'm meant to remain close to, it's still not the same as just being able to see them randomly like I'm able to at college.

School's so pointless now it seems. I love my classes and at the same time, I just don't want to go to them anymore. I really haven't been, honestly though I do make them occasionally so as to well, you know, keep up with work and stuff, but I've lost all motivation for classes. All.

Let's go have some fun.

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Saturday, March 18th, 2006
4:07 am
FCS performance was =).

BABA YETU was the big crowd pleaser of the night.

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Monday, March 6th, 2006
2:40 am
oh man. so much. so much.

All 16 of us. That is what I want..but it's already 15, and pretty much soon to be 14.

I'm so sad and scared for us. hmm what are we becoming?

I'm contemplating if I could really do the rest of this sem w/o it all.

I dunno. It's too much trying to find the most peaceful, diplomatic decision, because it just ain't happening.

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Monday, February 20th, 2006
9:32 pm
You can try the best you can

You can try the best you can

The best you can is good enough.




It ain't over yet. But it is for now.

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Thursday, February 16th, 2006
10:37 pm
I can't believe our group has the audacity to force anyone out of the group. The nerve.

My perspective has changed forever.

You know when you know you shouldn't say anything b/c ur afraid of what might come out of ur mouth, you're so angry? I haven't felt this innerly frustrated in a while. Yeah it's one of those cases. To prevent these sorts of things from coming out (because I might regret it).. I think it's better not to talk overall. Sigh. It's too bad, really. I'd never want to lose any friendships over this sorta stuff. I wasn't prepared to.

current mood: Grr.

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Wednesday, February 15th, 2006
9:51 pm
I currently hate feelings. They are bad.

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Tuesday, February 14th, 2006
12:36 am
GOOD SINGERS MAKE ME MELT!!

when the fcs guys sang the girls a version of "Stand by me" , or rather "Sing with me", I very nearly died. I'm such a sucker for smooth, sweet voices! That solo was amazing and all the guys snapping and swaying in beat with their "ooh wah's" and "da dums" had me swooning. I'm so lame.

And then tonight I went to the Vday concert, and again I was like whooo when they all started singin.
UC women's chorale - lol, was in this frosh year - surprisingly they were quite good, at least i thought they were better than the..
UC men's chorale - very kute, but a little off on some parts, regardless those choirs are getting good!
Cal Jazz Choir - man their arrangements must be freaking hard.
Noteworthy - cute, but i mean, just not as strong as the..
Men's Octet - yeah, this is where the melting comes in. granted, i never melted as hard as when the fcs guys sing their song, but these guys are solid and they're pretty creative and jeez choreo..
Overtones - yeah, after the octet, they weren't as great as they could have been.. darn that octet.
Chamber Chorus - WOW!! that 3rd song - that tenor duet was TO DIE FOR!
Perfect Fifth - i felt bad for them b/c they were stuck in between Chamber Chorus and U Chorus. and they went off key for like a whole segment of their last song. but it's hard having so few ppl sing that type of piece. I was in a madrigals acappella choir like that in high school, but we had a lot more people.. like 20+.
U Choir - VERY CREATIVE and GOOD! good job shelley! I liked the marriage of figaro - kept the attention very well focused on the performance and the lennon song was an interesting arrangement..

GOSH. SINGERS ARE SO HOT!

In other EXCITING NEWS, FCS has arranged BABA YETU!! In the midst of our drama, we still manage to crank ou the awesome pieces. I AM SO EXCITED I could faint, honestly. I have never been this excited about any arrangement. And it sounds great so far. I'm singing soprano, just the part I wanted for this song. WOOOOT!!! YOU ALL MUST COME TO THE CONCERT OR I WILL FLAY YOU!



Give me one pure and holy passion
Give me one magnificent obsession
Give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after You

current mood: loving music

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Monday, February 6th, 2006
4:05 am
Ah, much better.

FCS is getting on the right track. We sound so much better with these new additions. I think it is pointless of me to keep thinking about something that I realize I can't change, so we'll just see what God thinks of the whole situation.

in other worlds, I am becoming way more of a hard-headed person. I used to be the biggest softie, now I hardly ever tend to back down from arguments, disagreements, etc. I mean, I may not even feel THAT strongly about some things, but it wouldn't stop me from arguing about them. I dunno..Normally, I would just give it up or something, but now even when I'm just feeling the mood of being adamant, it's adamant all the way. It can also be harsh. I need to find my way back to being more of a soft person with some things, but remaining steadfast in others. Trying to find that balance again. yeeeahh. the balance.

I say this in reference to how I am recently in FCS, how I am with those hard conversations to have, how I am moreso now with friends, and definitely most in the job search. It's hard trying to be steadfast in one thing and not having it transfer to other things, however pointless or stupid I can be sometimes. haha.

How are things?

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Tuesday, January 31st, 2006
12:42 am
"Hey there Delilah
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me girl
Someday ill pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would
My word is good"


"I know how to hurt
I know how to heal
I know what to show
And what to conceal
I know when to talk
And I know when to touch
No one ever died from wanting too much

The world is not enough
But it is such a perfect place to start, my love
And if you're strong enough
Together we can take the world apart, my love"

current mood: excited

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Thursday, January 26th, 2006
4:01 am
I want some sheng jian bao. And xiao long bao. And shao bing.

Reeallly bad. That's okay, I'll get it this weekend. When i go back to LA. Oh LA, the home of much less busyness, much less responsibilitly, much less pointless thought and worries, much less stress overall, much less craziness and drama, much less lack of sleep all around. Rather, more sleep. MORE MORE!

Today, in my super awesome Chinese Economy class, our professor said the perfect latitude for crop production ended just below Shanghai. Yeah, that's right.

What the hey, it's only the 2nd week of class. It feels like it's been going on for a while.

FCS auditions are c-r-a-z-y. The other night we had four auditionees. I mean, there's been a lot more since then, but so yeah these four. The first girl sight read, rhythm read perfectly...the guy was pretty impressive..and the other two girls. One of them went off-key right off the first warmup and the other, although she could hit some impressive notes, sang really, really soft to the point of you not being able to hear her. Hrm. I'm thinking that if I had to go through this audition as a freshman, how crazy it would have been. I dunno if I would have made it. I really don't know.

Ridiculousness.

So the tag for drained (the little star) is pretty adorable. see below.

current mood: drained

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